Welcome to Soft & Unfiltered, a 6-week series here on Substack that explores joy through the lens of intimacy, vulnerability, and personal power, from divorce and desire to self-pleasure and soft beginnings.
Every Monday morning, we’ll dig a little deeper together.
And each Friday paid subscribers will get a bonus, something to bring you along for the journey and encourage you to embrace being soft.
If hundreds of thousands of you saw me heartbroken and crying on the internet, then you’re for damn sure gonna see me in my lovergirl era.
People love to say, “I would never post a man that wasn’t my husband.”
But here’s what I can tell you as someone who accidentally rebranded as “divorce girl” for a while…
That man can be your husband and still embarrass you. So why are we letting the fear of what might happen stop us from living out loud right now?
Playing games is a waste of everyone’s time.
I carried so much shame post-divorce, it felt impossible to shake off. People’s speculation weighed on me, pressing down on me in my quiet moments. I felt like a failure, like I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, soft enough.
Part of what made it so heavy was the endless stream of advice telling women, telling me, how to move. The implication was always the same: if you contorted yourself into just the right shape, love would work out.
Advice like:
“Test them.” Offer to pay the bill just to see how they react. But if you don’t want to go 50/50, why set yourself up for failure? Why play mind games with someone who may not share your dating scripts?
“Don’t show too much interest.” But if someone can’t handle your joy and enthusiasm now, how will they handle your vulnerability later?
“Wait X months before you post him.” As if a timeline can protect you from heartbreak.
These aren’t just little dating quirks. They’re symptoms of a broader truth: dating feels extra hard right now because the roles we expect each other to play are shifting. Gender roles, partnership, commitment, none of it is fixed in the way we once thought it was. And that tension makes people reach for rules, games, strategies.
But you can’t game your way into joy. You can’t out-strategize heartbreak.
You gotta be brave bitch.
I remind myself of this when I have doubts. When I think about how fucking embarrassing it would be to go from “divorce girl” to “lovergirl” to “heartbroken girl” again.
And it could happen.
But despite the sliver of fear I still feel clenched in my gut sometimes, y’all are gonna get the baecations. The silly couples challenges. The snippets of a Black woman being loved well, as we deserve.
Because I want to LIVE first, and for my platform to reflect that life rather than fear.
I want to look back at my work, my creativity, my explorations and wonder at the places I’ve gone, the shenanigans I’ve had, the people I’ve kissed under the stars.
And no, not everyone will clap. There will always be people who find joy in playing the spoiler. Let them. They don’t fucking matter.
Especially in this era, it can feel so risky to be seen. To be open. To be cringe. But there’s so much power in owning my own story. In chasing pleasure. In being open to new things. In being open to trying and even potentially failing again.
Where are you shrinking yourself just to avoid embarrassment?